The following piece is something I wrote a while ago. I have, unfortunately left it on the backburner since 2021. As life begin to life-ing it became something not short of "out of sight out of mind". I am on a journey to do the things that brings me joy so here goes something. In psychology, we learn that people seek help when the coping methods they’ve been using stop working — when whatever is troubling them starts interfering with their life. For a long time, I thought I was just lazy. If I put my mind to something, it should happen. My limbs work, so why can’t I? There are days I can’t make it out of bed in the morning. The only reason I get up is because I have to go relieve myself. We’ve been living in a pandemic hell for almost 24 months. And yet, 2020 was a great year for me. I finally became bachiller en psicología, suma cum laude probate. I worked so hard for that, and still I feel undeserving of the title. It’s like I’m missing pieces — like I still don’t know ...
I always wonder, and by wonder, I mean; I start to wonder about why I am the way I am only to end up getting lost in my tracks imaging different possible scenarios of the outcomes of every possible decision I make. It’s a loop sometimes I can snap out of it if my attention can be directed to something else. I used to write when I was a teenager. Used to go to church back then, where I use to be able to stand in front of everyone and recite what I have written. It was nice. When I was younger, I could thrive on the adrenaline kick that center stage brought me. Somewhere along the way, I became more self-aware. The fear of failing got in the way. You see I was already socially awkward and that didn’t help me make any friends. It was difficult for me to connect with my peers. I wasn’t the girl that had a lot of friends. I would rather be myself than invest energy in engaging people who might end up not liking me anyway. So I did the next best thing I could, keep to myself. Well,...