The Death I hope for

I hope my passing is an easy one quiet, surrounded by love. 

I hope I can get to say goodbye to the sun, 

my oldest friend. 

That before I leave she can warm my face one last time. 

I hope that on my last day I am at peace with myself. 

This piece started out with me thinking the most idealistic way I would like my existence the cease. 

But to be honest, I don`t want it to. 

I am not done soaking up the sun. 

I have not caught all the falling stars yet. 

 

One thing is certain, our days are numbered, 

I hope mine has 3 digits. 

There is still a many corners on this little blue piece of rock that I have yet to lay my eyes on.

So many flowers to inhale and rivers to hear. 

 

Maybe. 

I do not know why it is extremely difficult for me to write this passage.

The words I want to place on this paper are floating around in my mind. 

Whispers of my intentions. 

 

"Clinging to life" , " To cling to life" , "Death gives life meaning", " I miss you" 

"Someday she won't be here with you anymore". "I don't want to miss out" 

" Will I ever find my way in this world?", "He is gone". 

 

"Will someone notice my absence?" 

That`s the one. The thought. The sentence. 

The sentence that has pressure building up around my heart,

my throat constricting and tears rolling down on these papers as I'm writing. 

 

Will I be missed when I am gone ?

Is loneliness my only companion when my body no longer has the strength to carry the burden of life? 

How long before my body is found?

Is there going to be someone holding my hand as we watch the sun

 paint the clouds one last time before calling the day? 

Are they going to tell me; 

" Its ok, you can let go. Your work here is done. You can rest now." ?

Will someone notice that I`m gone? 

That it's taking longer than usual for me to reply. That my phone died? 

How long before they come looking for me?

Is it going to be slow and painful?

Swift but cruel? Or peaceful like a good dream?

 

The amount of time the thought of putting an end to it all crossed my mind is too much to count. 

Just an end to the pain, to the raging anger, an end to the chaos.

 

To put an end to the grief and the physical manifestation of all the thoughts 

and rampant emotions crawling beneath the surface of my skin.

 

To put an end on the grip that hopelessness has on my soul.

The numbness.

How is it humanly possible to feel everything and anything simultaneously?

The merry go round keeps on turning and turning.

Never stopping. No way to get off. 

 

I chose to stay, to continue carrying the burden of life.

You know the feeling when you find yourself reading a book,

The ones with the slow burn that takes ages for the author to get the point.

Still it is so hard to put it down.

Especially when you haven't written the final chapter yet.

 

I hope that my last day on this beautiful floating piece of space rock is as easy as breathing.

I hope that it rains the day before for one last time I get to smell the moment the raindrops meet the earth.

And in the morning before the first light warms the day,

The leaves lose their heat and becomes colder than the surrounding air.

Water turns vapor and turn back in to droplets to adorn the trees.

You can almost hear nature sigh of relieve.

 

I hope that the birds a repertoire of their most lovely songs for me.

I hope to see the sun set one more time and paint the evening sky with all the colors.

 

I hope that the full moon can lit the path to my garden so that Death can find me under the stars. 

Once she leans in to whisper ever so gently that my time has come,

I am welcomed in the eternal dream knowing I had a good run.