If the girl with cancer can, why can't you?

 If the girl with cancer can, why can’t you?

Recently I have been feeling so overwhelmed, but it's not recent, it's been a while now. Unknown but years to be exact. I can’t explain how I am tired when I am not doing anything physically demanding. I am used to feeling ashamed every time I had to explain why I am tired all the time while the only thing I do is study. I don’t work, I don’t have kids so why should I be tired?

Why my brain doesn’t shut up Karen that’s why. The only time I get quiet is when I zoom out when you are talking. When I can focus on that tree outside. The one with the shiny leaves that reflects in the sunlight. The one that is greener cuz it had rained a few days ago.

In 2014 I left home and went to another country to study psychology and boy I struggled. I knew from the start this is something I might not have a problem doing for the rest of my life. And of course, so I can be helpful to others.

No, it had not been easy. I choose a career that loves its papers, and my papers were always past due. Always waiting till the next possible minute to start them while having an unrealistic time expectancy.  A month of work can’t be done in a night. Nonetheless, it got delivered right one minute before the deadline. Adrenaline boosted last-minute concentration and determination followed by self-reproached and promise to never make myself go through that stress again. At least till the next assignment.

When I start early, I’ll stare at my screen for hours, after that I’ll make a list after that I get lost in it cuz I have just then realized I got more shit that needs taken care of.

I never thought this might be an issue since I am in the company of mental health professionals, right? I am just lazy and disorganized if I can get my shit to getter, I can thrive just like everybody else. What’s up with everybody. I mean they keep telling me I can do so much more I have so much potential, but I was already given so much, where do I get the rest of my potential.

For so long I struggle alone in college. I kept failing courses. Of course, throwing a toxic relationship in the mix cuz why the fuck can it get any worse. Hyper fixating on making it work when it has been clear it won’t. Only to cut ties when my brain wasn’t engaged anymore. I got bored out of my mind.

There is nothing wrong with me besides bad habits, right? Otherwise, someone would have taken notice and told me, after all, we are studying the human brain and behavior. It must be just laziness; it shouldn’t be that hard. Get started, then continue from there.  But I can never cross the start line, let alone the finish line. 

2018 has been a great year. I made it without flunking any of my courses. Got out of a toxic relationship, focusing on my grades. It was great I was content, my eyes were set on the finish line. Almost in eyesight until it wasn’t. I went from great to my first due date panic attack. By the time I was able to recognize it, it was too late. My body went numb, by a miracle I finished the essay. I managed to drag myself to the printing studio thingy and then to the professor to make the delivery to only excuse myself and hustle home cuz there is no way I am collapsing on campus.

The last paper almost didn’t make it. I got an extension after explaining to the professor that Spanish isn’t my official language and besides being in that country for a few years now, I still find it hard to find my words when writing essays. I got to turn it in late and save that course. You see, I had no more time left, I was quickly burning through my scholarship and there is no way in hell that I am going home without a paper. Who else is going to pay the mounting debt my study had accumulated over the past year with a minimum wage salary, especially after wasting that many years? Besides everyone, I started with already finished their career. Why was I the only one that couldn’t? if nothing is wrong with me, to which there is not, I should have been done by now? Just like everybody else?

They are graduating, while I am still stuck counting words on essay cuz there is no way to turn in a paper with less than 3000 words. If I can manage 2500 it must be enough. Right?

The next 4 months. They were supposed to be my last few months as a bachelor student I finally made it so I can say “oh I am taking my last classes, after this, it's final graduation. I took a course that I have taken a few times before but never seemed to pass. I told myself in advance: It has been a good year so far there is no reason for it not to be. Everything is at stake, so if you put your mind to it, there is no chance of anything going wrong.

The first week after explaining the plan for the next 15 weeks I was confronted with my first hurdle. It was a testing and diagnostic course so for that reason we needed patients. But he asked for something I didn’t have access to. He wanted us to apply tests to little patients. I raised my hand and told him that I don’t know any kids. I can barely maintain any sort of relationship with the other students at U so, where the F am I to get little patients?

By week 4 everybody had their two little patients, I felt like a failure. Why in hell couldn’t I complete this stupid little task. I kept putting it out until I gather to courage to tell a friend and she asked her acquaintances and got me, two little patients. Arrangements were made. I bought everything I needed. From binders’ new pens markers and pencil. I made a toy box printed forms and everything else I needed shoved extra black paper, numbered each test so I’ll have a clear idea and a mental list. Breath in, breath out nothing can you wrong I checked every box on my mental list. These kids were the best. With the permission of their parents, they collaborated, and I could finish the task. I was happy I felt accomplished. If I can succeed at make pretend, I am more than capable to repeat it in real life as a professional. After I was done, each kid was awarded a goodie bag as a token of my appreciation.

So now I have compiled the information needed. Now comes the hard part. Putting my findings in an organized written matter that’s called a psychological report. As the due date was approaching, I overheard classmates talking about getting together to supervise the work together. I got involved in the conversation and inserted myself into their planning because if they adopted me, there is no way I could fail. A week before the due date was the reunion by then, most of them already started the written part. I felt stupid for waiting to start. Like why the hell. I was behind, again.

The due date was Thursday, and I was far from the start line. When I finally started, I was so flustered and overwhelmed. I was really struggling; I had a mini-meltdown every couple of hours. Put myself together, write and repeat. Constantly punish myself for letting this get out of hand. I felt as I couldn’t ask for help cuz everybody else had their own shit going on. They don’t have the time to deal with my totally preventable mess. I was on my own. I felt alone and stuck in my head. I couldn’t let anyone in otherwise I’ll be as weak. And how can I be weak when I am the strongest of all of us. You must play it cool, you can still do it, I kept telling myself. The due day came and again I was the one who came empty-handed again. Everyone else made their files ready. We got to getter outside the class and sat on the ground just like any other week while we wait for him to finish the previous lesson. This time everyone was fixing and organizing their papers. I was the exception. I had nothing. I felt so stupid and out of place. How come they can do it, and I, what is wrong with me? Why can’t I? how long am I going to keep failing? It is not beyond my intellectual capacity, so why is it that I can deliver? As the night went by, I approached him and showed him on my laptop that I have started, but I can’t find the words to finish. Can I please get an extension? He asked when it will be ready and I promised him that he will have it delivered to him on Friday, regardless of where he is at the point in space. I went to a friend’s place to force myself to stay awake and finish the goddam paper. The task was completed sometime on Friday after noon time. First thing, I try to reach him. With no luck. After the day went by, I decided to scan everything and send it via email. Maybe he was busy. I remember him saying in class that he won’t be able to get to the papers till Saturday, so, meaning I don’t mind getting some points deducted it is not like he is grading my classmates’ papers yet.

The next week everyone had a one-on-one session with him. It was the last class, so he decided it was the best way to give feedback and the grades. My turn came and I was showered with a bucket of cold icy water. I didn’t make it. I asked why and how is that possible? I turned the paper in, so did you deduct that much? Oh, he said, I didn’t count it in since it was a late turn in it doesn’t count. I told him I tried everything I could to finish the assignment, even group supervision with the classmates. He proceeded to tell me that I should have taken that time to finish the work instead of doing that.

Everything came crumbling down. I was crushed. That was the moment I learned people don’t give a flying fuck about you. No matter how much help you have been for them. They don’t owe you shit.

This course was one of my biggest opponents. I said in my head, maybe if we make friends. If I can befriend this course, I will be able to make it. It was his first time teaching this course. I tried my best to be more engaged, actively participating. Asking questions proving him the materials he needed to give to the course. Showing up on time so I don’t miss anything. None of this matters. People, well some of them don’t give a shit about you and your little feelings.

Educators can make you or break you and he broke me. They broke me that day. Heartbreaks meant nothing compared to this. But I couldn’t say that I must take responsibility for my actions. I have put myself in that position.

I can’t repeat the course I am out of scholarship funds, so I appealed. I didn’t prepare, no I was not prepared for what came next. The faculty director arranged a meeting, and boy he came prepared. He made a list. A stupid list with things that did and didn’t happen.

At that moment I felt like there was only one side and I wasn’t on it. I told them; it is really hard with some assignments especially written ones. It's important for me to pass this course cuz my career depends on it.  I struggle on my own for so long, after years of repeating courses I never asked you or the U for anything. Never had I received any help nor asked for in regard to the language barrier. I am asking now, if there was something I can do, please let me know. I just want to turn in the paper I worked hard on it.

We this one is on you early on there was an assignment and you didn’t turn it in, nor did you ask for an extension. You said nothing. So, you must not care. If you cared, you would have turned in. I asked them what this has to do with what we are dealing with at that moment. Well, if you had turned in the paper, you’d have enough points to pass the course.

I sat there stupefied, about what I have been told cuz I am trying to make the math in my head, and it doesn’t add up. Not in that context anyway. They were comparing a 10 assignment to a 30 point one. You need 70 points to pass. I was 20 points short, so turning in that 10 points assignment I would have failed the course by 10 points. I kept trying to make sense of that statement I kept failing. So, they decided there was no point in receiving the assignment I will still fail. We sat there awkwardly, and I was trying to hold back the tears. I was hurt, alone, and away from home confronting this bull.

She then broke the silence and said, you have a friend that is battling cancer. She is under treatment and still going to class and turning in her assignments. So, it’s not impossible. I understood what she meant. I am not that stupid.

If this girl with cancer can make what is wrong with you?

I have never felt so further away from home than at that precise moment.

Never have a felt so alone. I knew him. I know loneliness. But this was something else.

Cancer girl had a family, a husband, a house to call her own country, her own support system. So how dare she compare me to cancer girl. She is a foreigner too. So why can’t she empathize with me, at least on that level?

People don’t care about you, nor do they care about your problems. You chose to come here. This is the price to pay.

How o how could I have let myself steep so low. There were a lot of things I could have had done differently, better.

Who told these people I had potential? It is never there when I need it. She was right, if the girl with cancer can do it, I had no excuse. What possible excuse can I present? I had no physical problems. Other than procrastinating and stress plus the occasional mental self-harm, I had no excuse to fail as a student. I am lazy, that must be it. So, if it's laziness if I tackle that, it should be possible to achieve my potential. Ok, I will stop being lazy.

Well, we all know that doesn’t work.  

If I can’t achieve these basic things, maybe I have a learning disability. But how can I have a learning disability if I am decent-smart? I have no problem studying and understanding things. So, what is wrong with me then.

I appealed and lost. I had to repeat the course. Thankfully I had a better teacher this time. Someone I learned something from. Had to drag my ass across the country cuz she wouldn’t open the course for me it did not matter that it was the last one.

The bitter taste remained from those awkward silent moments at that table. One thing we learned in psychology was that, if it interferes with your life, it’s a red flag and needs to be checked.

The people at that table were all full-fledged mental health professionals so, if they don’t notice it, you are fine. There is nothing wrong with you. It’s just laziness.

I convinced myself that there is nothing wrong with me. I am fine. I have been dealt the same tools as anyone else so I should be able to achieve great things like them. Every time I did something wrong that mean inside voice would just batter me. I played it cool, try to be social. Try making friends. I felt so alone. I couldn’t talk to anyone cuz I couldn’t trust anyone. Or at least I convinced myself I couldn’t. Being the black strong independent woman that I am, I just toughen up. Put on my big girl panties, the black lace ones. Because, if the girl with cancer can, I should be able to also.