The Elephant on my chest

And back she is again.

She hasn’t visited me in a while.

Her absence was always appreciated.

 

Heavy are her steps.

Thump thump thump

beating at the pace of my heart.

 

Creating paths I no longer want to walk on.

Here she is again, resting on my capacity to produce air.

Weighing me down like a short anchor in deep waters.

 

Nonetheless back she is again.

 

Every now and then she visits.

We had a rocky start,

hence I enjoyed her absence 

more so than her presence.

 

Shhh. So I found a way to avoid her.

Suppressed myself, 

Made myself smaller and smaller, 

almost invisible.

Hell, to the point that I forgot how to feel 

anything other than rage and chaos.

 

However, this visit was different.

Guess everything changes 

depending on the perspective. 

My perspective.

I lay down and found myself stuck, embraced by the darkness.

The stars that once glimmered in my eyes began to fade.

Every blink taking longer than the one before until they closed.

Shut the world out.

 

Breathe.

I need to breathe.

I want to breathe.

 

My chest is rising rapidly yet I am drowning.

Is this what it feels like to be finite?

Gasping for air that is not there,

I don’t want to forget how the sun feels on my face

How the ocean melody soothes the raging storm in me.

 

Those memories are so far away,

I lay down on my side and rested my head on my arms. 

My legs refused to carry me further, 

they had given up on me.

 

Breathe in

Breathe out

 

Nothing comes in anymore and yet 

here I lie gasping for more air.

What`s the point of all of this?

All the colors had abandoned me.

 

My visitor, she did not.

She kept my heart beating, 

not frantic but steady.

She breathed air into my lungs and kept them going.

 

This time she didn't need to stay as long.

She came to remind me that I am alive.

 

It is difficult to separate her presence from the pain.

Every time she was around, 

so was the weight on my chest.

 

This storm within me rages and grows bigger and bigger,

Finding a way out of me to wreak havoc on distant shores.

Try to catch a storm in a bottle. 

Good luck with that.

 

Her presence only made me more aware.

More aware of all the shit I have been walking around with.

 

Breathe in.

Breathe out.

The thing about Elephants is ….      

They are the embodiment of strength, nurture, comfort.

They show compassion and they take care of their own.

They are always moving forward.

 

My lack of understanding and vision 

stood in the way of me being in the here and now.

I mistook her pressure on my chest as the intent to snuff out 

my voice,

to dim my soul and to shatter my mind into pieces.

 

She is not the bringer of all that is eating me alive.

She comes along every time,

just to keep me from the grasp of despair.

She comes around to make sure 

that I don't submit to the crazy 

nor let hopelessness consume me.

 

Strength that was always in me.

The strength to show up for me just as I do others.

 

She held me down with comfort 

whilst keeping the ugly in check

and forging new paths 

for the wise and the kind to come through.

 

Her guidance led me to help. 

Fighting her was futile, 

she was never my adversary. 

She is patience that waits the passing of the storm.

 

Kindness, to extend me the grace 

that I withhold from myself.

Loyal, always returning when I need her.

 

Once upon a time there was an Elephant.

 

She is a traveler. 

Through stars and dust, sand and stone, 

she leaves her footprints.

She wanders the universe and 

lays her head to rest on the clouds 

between the crystal oceans and the black beaches.

 

Like clockwork she is drawn to her.

Listening for the whisper of her shallow breathing 

coming through from the void.

Beckoning her. 

She stood up from her slumber and began marching

to the flutter of her heartbeat.

 

And so the path toward the dwelling opens up before her 

welcoming her to step in.

A familiar place, as an unwanted guest. 

 

She doesn't want her there, yet she is needed.

 

With every step she feels the soft vibration of the ground.

She lifted her face, wrinkled her nose and took a deep steady breath.

The salt of her tears clings heavy in the air. 

 

Thump. Thump. Thump. 

With every step she is getting closer to her. 

She set her eyes on her silhouette.

Suddenly she was there with her. 

The space in between. A little pocket of existence. 

Outside the awareness of time.  

  

As the visitor looked back the way she came from, 

she saw the path fading into nothing.

So she came closer and knelt down next to her.

There, where she lay embraced in the cloak of darkness.

She lifted her gaze and sorrow looked back at her guest.

 

Slowly, careful not to startle her, the visitor reached out.

 

It was a familiar hand, almost like it was her own.

She blinked and she saw her own reflection staring back.

Not a reflection, the other side of the same coin.

Standing face to face.

The one who stayed when everyone else had left.

 

She was her.

She is me.

I am her.